I don’t know.

I don’t know what has happened.
I don’t know what is happening.

I don’t know why my life has so many complications.
I don’t know why I let little stuff get to me.
I don’t know why I feel this way.

I don’t know where I’m going rn.

I just don’t know atm.
This is too much for one person to handle.

I’m in a constant battle whether or not I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone.
I’m struggling to move on.

Why’s it so easy for you but a constant struggle for me I don’t get it.

All I can do is just hope and stay positive ,

But even I can’t do that.
I’m still a bleeding wound that has yet to be healed.

I recently just deleted my social media apps just so I wouldn’t have to see those petty things.
Little shit you know, that just bugs me

I need to take control of my life and see that I can get through this tough situation Bc it’s about to be a year already, and I’m still not over it.

Weeks.

It’s been a week since we rekindled the friendship.

I don’t know if it was the wisest decision, but I just know that I was ready to put the past behind us.

But for some odd reason I don’t know what to think of our future..

From the week we hadn’t spoke,
I felt relieved,
I felt relieved that I could finally take the time to heal, process the situation, and go on the path slowly move on.

I know rome wasn’t built in a day , and a person just doesn’t lose feelings in a day, but I slowly began to distance myself from you and that was the best decision I could’ve ever made.

I still wondered what you were doing and who you were with but I was full of distractions and those distractions helped.

I wasn’t worrying , or crying.
But rn I feel:
“Why can’t I be enough ?”
Why can’t I be enough for you

I don’t know how I feel when I see someone else getting close to you, the way I did.

I realized that I’m still not over you, and that i shouldn’t care what you do anymore.

But I just do ,
I wish I didn’t have to care,
But I do.

I wish I didn’t want the need to put in effort,
But i do.

I am lost in my own thoughts and I’m so fucked up, I can’t help but assume the worst.

Things are way different as they were a year before,
I still look back on it.
I miss everything.
I miss us, I miss the memories.

Right now all I’m holding onto is that core hope and strength that I’ll move on.
I won’t have to hurt and you won’t have to hurt me.

I’m so upset and disappointed in myself into believing I could do this,
But giving the ultimatum that you’re already in that I’m ready phase and I’m still stuck in my own messy phase,
I wish time could heal stuff right away.
I wish things could just work out on their own.

I mean obviously I do care,
But not in the way I should.

I’m so paranoid,
I’m so worried
I’m so ready for things to just start coming at me again,

But im honestly not looking forward to picking myself back up and walking away the first time.

It’s easy to say just let go and move on rather than actually do those things.

I want to build up the courage now and just speak whatever’s on my mind,
But I still hold back Bc I don’t know how your reaction would be.

It’s been a week.
A long week.

I feel as if in back to square one,
Back to the person I wasn’t trying to be anymore.

Realizing.

Today I’m just realizing how strong of a person I am.

I’ve dealt with so much shit throughout these past months I don’t know how I’m doing it right now.

Today I witnessed someone caring about someone deeply in their life.
I know there’s a big difference but just seeing how much of an effort is put in means everything.

I’m so broken, i still cry if I think about it.
I’ve been torturing myself for the past hour looking back into old memories, where I was so in love with my life, so happy.

It’s all different now.
I’ve realized so much has happened.

People change people become the person you wish you hadn’t seen.

I need to step back.
I’m so hurt.
I go on living my life like nothing’s happened.
But that’s no way to live.

I got my answers yet I’m still left with so many questions, why?

I realized I need to stop putting myself thru this pain.
I realized I’m just hurting myself
I realized that too much expectations don’t mean anything.
I realized that I shouldn’t put in much effort if that person isn’t.
I’m getting tired of feeling bad about myself

I do so much,
And all i ask in return is appreciation, support, love.
I don’t ask for much.

So I’m stepping back, on my way to walking away.
I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t

September 20,2015.

5 years ago, I fell in love.
5 years ago, I found what happiness was.
5 years..

It would’ve been 5 years on this exact day.

But Things don’t turn out the way you want them…

I poured my heart and soul into someone for the past 9 months,

And today… Just today I got all the answers I needed.

I’m really hurt, there’s no denying that.

When you care for someone you would literally do everything or anything for that person,
That’s how much they mean to you.

I was pushed to walk away, Bc it was the right thing to do.

I sought happiness by bringing happiness to others. It’s all that mattered to me.

My heart is literally saying
it’s okay, we’ve bean crying for too long
Hurting for too long.

Mutual decision that it was best if nothing happened from now on…
Don’t get me wrong I’m not looking for anything from anyone rn.
But it just hurts so much when the person you love doesn’t love you back.

It’s excruciating pain.
But you can’t force someone to love you. I won’t ever do that.

I feel as if I fought for nothing, I gave my all and it was thrown away.

I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made.
It’s a lesson to be learned.

There’s someone out there that will love me for who I am.

I’m still young.
For now I just need to focus on me, I’ve spent so long hating myself,
I don’t know how to love the person I am.

I don’t know how to appreciate myself.

There are so many people who love and care about me , I don’t know how they do it.

I’ve always thought about the other end of the bargain how the world would be without me.
Serious issues aside, I’ve struggled with self esteem insecurity and trust.

Everytime someone loves me, they just end up hurting me anyways,
So for now I will have a wall up to guard my heart.
To make sure it’s protected at all costs.

It won’t be healthy to shut everyone out but at least they’ll understand how important it will be to focus on myself.

Today I cannot stop crying,
I cannot stop hurting

What we could’ve been
What we could’ve become..
A future…

So much has happened this past year , I think it wins the record for being the toughest year I’ve ever had.

But as long as I don’t get to that place of darkness, I’ll see more years to come.

Darkness please don’t overshadow my emotions,
Ending the pain is one thing
Dealing with the pain is another

I sometimes feel like my pain deserves to be felt by others. Having them feel what I’m going through.

But I know they don’t deserve to lose someone they love.
Not now..

someday I’ll learn to love myself , but for now, I just have to learn how to deal with myself.

I’ll be okay..

4 months.

||3:00am|| 4/11/2015

Dang , it’s incredible how much has passed in four months.
I’ve learned so much about myself.

I learned that I had to grow up fast at such a young age,

It’s been quite the long journey, I’ve been through so much in such a little time.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not at 100% or even 10% , I’m Just living in the moment.

Occasionally I still break down and get lost in my own thoughts, but lately I’ve just been enjoying life.

Life is beautiful. Life is short.
Sometimes ur just blessed with so many ppl who care and love and adore you.
Today I feel blessed. Today I feel strong. Today I am me.

2am.

It’s 2 am and I found myself breaking down in the shower.
Lost in my own thoughts.
Trapped by the fear,
Devastated by the pain.

I can’t do this.
I can’t live my life as a lie.
Seeing your face knowing that I love you much, and knowing the efforts 75% to 50%
It’s not fair to me,
I’m putting myself through torture

Crying everyday Bc of you.
Even after a day well spent, I still think what we could’ve been.

I miss everything.
All I see think of is memories , all I feel is sadness.
I try to tell myself, I’m okay things will eventually work out.
But this road is too much for me.

I don’t want to put myself through anymore pain.
Knowing that your living your life doing whatever you want.
And I don’t seem to cross your mind.

I’m beyond destroyed inside, and no one knows the pain I’m going through.

It’s 2am and I find myself devoted to someone who isn’t devoted to me.
Hurting Bc I care , love too much.

My problem.

My problem is, I care.
I care a little too much, that I don’t allow myself to walk away after all the bs thrown at me.

After all the lies, tears, I still try to see the good in a person, hoping they would change, and better themselves.

But after strike 193859437472018348 it doesn’t matter now.

Caring too much will get you no where.
You will end up hurt, alone, and miserable.

My problem is; I love you so much that I’ll do anything for you, I’ll always be there for you, I’ll always love you through anything.

Love is weakness.
Love is strength.

We feel the most amazing emotions Bc of love.
But love can also detain your happiness.

I’m done.
I put myself Before anyone else,
&im tired of hurting,
So tired.

So there’s only one thing left to do;
Walk away.

"Worst feeling in the world is knowing you did the best you could, and it still wasn’t good enough."

(Source: picsandquotes, via icanrelateto)

Myself.

Sometimes I just feel so alone.
I put others’ happiness before myself.

And my weakness is my big heart.
I do so much for the ppl I love , but yet I don’t do anything for myself.

I’d rather give love than get love.

My big heart allows myself to get hurt.
If I didn’t absorb so my emotion and take things to heart, I wouldn’t have to deal with all the bs that comes from giving.

Giving is one of the most powerful actions anyone can do,
You feel like you’ve accomplished everything, when really you just made someone smile.

But yet after everything and all this giving and putting smiles on others happiness , I feel alone.

Better.

I’ve had better days,
There’s nothing more heartbreaking than hiding behind a smile, a laugh.

I’m myself, but not myself.
Ironic but there are some days where I just break.

I tell myself I’m okay, but I’m really not.
I tell myself I can do this, but I really can’t.
I tell myself things get better, but things aren’t.

I have all this support behind me but I can’t seem to find the support in myself.

There are days where I’m happy, there are days when I’m at my lowest.

Time wil only tell when I get better.
Good is better and better is good.

Please.

Lord please, I beg of you take this pain away.

There’s nothing worse than seeing something , feeling something that breaks your heart.

Everything in you’re body is numb, your eyes are puffy and swallon, you cry and cry until you can’t cry anymore.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out, there’s nothing I can or say.
There’s nothing that can be done.

There’s nothing.
There’s nothing inside of me.

There’s nothing anyone can say or do to uplift this heartache.

So this I say, I beg of you take this burden off of me.
I’m not strong to deal with this.
I’m not strong to hold my head up high.

icanrelateto:

1. Let go of all thoughts that don’t make you feel empowered and strong.
2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.
3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.
4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was…

(Source: mindbodygreen.com)